Well well well...
Here we are again. Same song and dance.
I've changed my attitude for the better...surrounded myself with better people. Things are cool. There were some struggles along the way but I just guess that's how things go sometimes. I suppose I will always be idealistic but this time I'm watching out for myself first and foremost.
Hopefully the next 2 years between these blog posts holds some steadier news. I'm just enjoying the ride for now and seeing where things take me rather than holding desperately onto my control freak tendencies. Whatever happens, happens. The right things will fall into place eventually without me piecing them there myself.
Cheers.
Another loooooong break since writing last.
Things have changed as they always do. I have changed. My life has definitely changed.
I won't go into the details because it just makes me feel like I'm pseudo-wiser looking into the past and all is different now and I know what I want because blahblahblahblah. I still don't know how to articulate it. I guess, every time I say "oh, this is it! I know how things are going to go forever now!" Then I look back on it over a year later and end up facepalming.
I guess that what life is. Trials and tribulations. Trial and error to see if things really do fit right or if you had that piece of the puzzle that almost fit till you are almost finished and realize you had the wrong piece all along. Not the wrong piece, I guess....just not the quite right piece. That piece that you wanted to fit correctly because it made the puzzle seem more complete for the time being.
Who knows when I'll write again. I've already deleted remnants of the past.
I feel less crazy today.
I did some reaching out and I just made myself feel awkward throwing all my crazy onto one person. I didn't really get the response that I was looking for but thats what REALLY maybe think. I think I just expect or look for someone to respond or say something and if I don't receive the response that I'm looking for, I just sink deeper into this black hole.
The truth is, I snowball a lot. I think of one tiny, insignificant thing that just kind of bothers me and it eventually avalanches into this huge clusterfuck nonsense pit of despair that is hard to pull myself out of. I don't know. I really do have a lot of faith in people but sometimes my emotion rests on the faith that I have with them and that leads to me getting upset with myself.
I guess I want to help my friends be happy and reach the goals that they have that it becomes a goal of mine to help them reach theirs? And if it doesn't happen, then I feel like I failed. The thing that I realized is that people are going to want to do what they want to do and it's their responsibility whether they reach their goals and aspirations, not mine. I will be there to help and support friends along the way but making it my personal responsibility (in my head, at least) is too mentally exhausting.
I'm reaching my own goals. I'm not overweight or anything but I've always had the passing thought of working out and getting into shape. I would get out of breath to the point where I was gasping for air just trying to jog down the block (smoking had a lot to do with that but I quit FOR GOOD - no more cheating even when I'm drinking!). I would say "I should work out" then I would try it for a day and get discouraged because of how SORE I would be the next day and how I felt like I was going to pass out when I tried any cardio. I would say I'm going to stop eating shitty foods (drinking regular coke 3-5 cans a day, candy, chips, fast food) but I would always go back to it.
I guess with Dan being gone, getting a membership to the gym and the tanner was just a way to try to keep myself busy. I never really thought I would take it seriously but I found myself trying to push myself harder and harder. I took this Butts and Guts class and by the end of it, I felt awful - I really did. I had a hard time with the workout routine and was struggling to keep up with the class and my legs felt like jelly by the time I was done - not to mention my thighs were in excruciating pain for about a week. But instead of letting that discourage me this time, I used it as a motivator. I want to get to the point where I can get through a class or a workout and not feel like I got hit by a truck and that doesn't happen instantly (as much as I crave instant gratification). I know that I have to work hard to get to the point that I want to be and that takes discipline and time.
I'm also eating healthier! I look at calories and the fat calories in foods now and don't have the motto that food that tastes good is going to be bad for you. I used to look at reduced fat or fat/sugar free foods and think they can't taste good because of the reduced fat. Instead of snacking on chips and candy when I'm playing games, I snack on carrots and clementines. Instead of eating the lunches that get brought into work, I eat tuna (in water) out of the pouch with no mayo and yogurt. I do get shit from people at work because they tell me I don't need to be workout out and watching what I eat but like Dan says - why should I wait till I'm unhappy with my body and myself to fix it? I think this is helping mentally too. It's awesome to see the progress that I'm making and how I can go a little bit further the next time I work out.
I feel better. I'm going to focus on my own happiness and reach my goals rather than trying to push others. I just want to be a positive force in people's lives but I can't do that if I don't feel positive about myself. I need be happy with myself first and foremost. Hopefully, I'll get some of the confidence I've lost over the years back. No, not hopefully - I WILL become a confident person again. It just takes time. :)
"Lace me up, lace me up...I'm still looking for these angels in the snow."
Posted by
Kristi
1:28 AM
How do you do these things as an adult without sounding like a whiny, angst-filled pre-teen again?
I guess, I don't know.
I try to better myself.
I'm working out.
I take classes at the gym.
I'm watching what I eat.
I try to be an outlet to people. I want to be the friend that people WANT to be around. I try to do nice things like buy food once in a while, drive so they don't have to, try to get them to reach out to me. I do that because I truly love my friends and the people in my life and I just to see them happy.
But sometimes I feel like those feelings aren't mutual. Like I'm not a second thought. I feel like thats selfish of me and it probably is but...sigh. I don't know.
I'm an adult and I still can't properly deal with my emotions.
I just say "I don't know" and sigh and hope it goes away...and it does usually.
For a while, at least.
Blah, I think all of this is just my period making me crazy.
Fucking hormones.
And maybe the fact that I worked almost 13 hours today and have been awake for 24 hours. o.O
It makes me sad how the world can be so ugly.
A friend of Anna's got shot and killed in Saginaw because he was trying to prevent someone from robbing his friend's apartment. I just can't fathom how someone can disregard the value of life so much by murdering someone simply because they couldn't steal some things. It's disgusting and sad and makes me look forward more to moving away one day. Being here just makes me sad.
No one hangs out like they used to anyways. It's a chore to get most of my friends to get together as a group to hang out like when we were younger. It just seems like people are so jaded by growing up and being an adult that we can't take a step back and be silly again.
Anyways, Anna and I went Christmas shopping today. I love Anna. I feel so sad for her and I don't know how to express it properly. I'm such a klutz with emotions sometimes and it makes me feel like an awkward preteen again. I'm just glad I have a friend like her in my life. She always interests me and intrigues me and really helps me more than she knows. I just don't like knowing that she is going through a hard time and she really does an amazing job of looking strong. She is just a really amazing person. I wish she could see it more.
Someone is coming back into people's lives and I feel selfish because I'm not very...excited about it. This person makes me feel ugly. It's not fair of me to feel this way but honestly, they aren't a good person and I'm trying to hold onto that idea because I can't let myself try to make excuses for what they've done because of that fact that they are getting closer to people I love again. Sometimes you have to hold onto that anger because people don't change. I've learned that the hard way too many times.
Whew. What a jumbled clusterfuck of nonsense.
Thats okay though.
This is probably the umpteenth time I've tried writing a new blog.
Either I give up, forget, or write such stupid things that I don't want to have to look at the old one anymore. I know everything was written for a reason...but I don't want to remember those reasons. It just makes me realize how easily swayed I am by people that I thought were important.
I don't know. I need a fresh start. I'm hoping that I'll actually keep up with this. That I'll actually write things that happened in my day instead of whining about things in every post. I suppose thats what an outlet is for, right? To let all the dark things out that you can't verbalize.
Maybe this is me trying to reconnect with a part of me thats no longer there...or that has been misplaced for a while.
secret window
