secret window

Clarity.

Posted by Kristi , Tuesday, February 22, 2011 11:50 AM

I feel less crazy today.


I did some reaching out and I just made myself feel awkward throwing all my crazy onto one person. I didn't really get the response that I was looking for but thats what REALLY maybe think. I think I just expect or look for someone to respond or say something and if I don't receive the response that I'm looking for, I just sink deeper into this black hole. 


The truth is, I snowball a lot. I think of one tiny, insignificant thing that just kind of bothers me and it eventually avalanches into this huge clusterfuck nonsense pit of despair that is hard to pull myself out of. I don't  know. I really do have a lot of faith in people but sometimes my emotion rests on the faith that I have with them and that leads to me getting upset with myself.


I guess I want to help my friends be happy and reach the goals that they have that it becomes a goal of mine to help them reach theirs? And if it doesn't happen, then I feel like I failed. The thing that I realized is that people are going to want to do what they want to do and it's their responsibility whether they reach their goals and aspirations, not mine. I will be there to help and support friends along the way but making it my personal responsibility (in my head, at least) is too mentally exhausting. 




I'm reaching my own goals. I'm not overweight or anything but I've always had the passing thought of working out and getting into shape. I would get out of breath to the point where I was gasping for air just trying to jog down the block (smoking had a lot to do with that but I quit FOR GOOD - no more cheating even when I'm drinking!). I would say "I should work out" then I would try it for a day and get discouraged because of how SORE I would be the next day and how I felt like I was going to pass out when I tried any cardio. I would say I'm going to stop eating shitty foods (drinking regular coke 3-5 cans a day, candy, chips, fast food) but I would always go back to it. 


I guess with Dan being gone, getting a membership to the gym and the tanner was just a way to try to keep myself busy. I never really thought I would take it seriously but I found myself trying to push myself harder and harder. I took this Butts and Guts class and by the end of it, I felt awful - I really did. I had a hard time with the workout routine and was struggling to keep up with the class and my legs felt like jelly by the time I was done - not to mention my thighs were in excruciating pain for about a week. But instead of letting that discourage me this time, I used it as a motivator. I want to get to the point where I can get through a class or a workout and not feel like I got hit by a truck and that doesn't happen instantly (as much as I crave instant gratification). I know that I have to work hard to get to the point that I want to be and that takes discipline and time. 


I'm also eating healthier! I look at calories and the fat calories in foods now and don't have the motto that food that tastes good is going to be bad for you. I used to look at reduced fat or fat/sugar free foods and think they can't taste good because of the reduced fat. Instead of snacking on chips and candy when I'm playing games, I snack on carrots and clementines. Instead of eating the lunches that get brought into work, I eat tuna (in water) out of the pouch with no mayo and yogurt. I do get shit from people at work because they tell me I don't need to be workout out and watching what I eat but like Dan says - why should I wait till I'm unhappy with my body and myself to fix it? I think this is helping mentally too.  It's awesome to see the progress that I'm making and how I can go a little bit further the next time I work out. 


I feel better. I'm going to focus on my own happiness and reach my goals rather than trying to push others. I just want to be a positive force in people's lives but I can't do that if I don't feel positive about myself. I need be happy with myself first and foremost. Hopefully, I'll get some of the confidence I've lost over the years back. No, not hopefully - I WILL become a confident person again. It just takes time. :)




"Lace me up, lace me up...I'm still looking for these angels in the snow."